Dear readers, I've been missing you. My husband and I drove 7,500 miles around America last month (No, really, we did), so I am thankful that my friends Liz and Steve held down the fort while I was adventuring. But in a series of hotels in multiple states, my husband hooked up our Apple TV, and I watched GH on Hulu, and when the hotel TV didn't have a USB port, I watched on my phone. I am dedicated to the citizens of Port Charles, no matter where I am.
Oddly, I think I am having a much better summer than many people in Port Charles. I have seen mountains, deserts, plains, and oceans. But many people in Port Charles haven't even made it to the Metro Court pool this summer.
Why? Why is the hottest couple in daytime TV, Spencer and Trina, or "Sprina" as they are known throughout the globe, moping around Grandma Laura's house, changing Ace's diapers, instead of being hot teens in their bathing suits and sipping mocktails at the pool? Why are the two lovebirds we have been rooting for so long bickering instead of banging?
I have heard that some viewers are in an uproar because they are an interracial couple. Seriously? What year is this? I am so weary of a handful of backward-thinking people imposing their bigotry on the rest of us. Readers, I love you, but if you are offended by Spencer and Trina -- two totally fictional characters -- dating, then maybe seek counseling to unravel the mystery of why you are so mean.
I was so looking forward to a romantic summer with Joss, Dex, Spencer, and Trina -- a few punches between the boys, a lot of making out. I am old now, and I need to live vicariously through my soapy friends. I was their age in the 80s, and I promise you, I didn't spend my summer on diaper duty. In fact, I have never changed a diaper. I married my husband, a single dad, when his daughters were seven and nine, so I got the joy of having kids and grandkids without ever having to handle a poopy baby. Score!
I was also looking forward to some hot summer fun with Chase and Brook Lynn, but now BLQ is all caught up in some espionage scheme with Granny Tracy. So, as best as I can piece it together with the clues dropped along the way, one of Marty's ex-wives probably came up with the idea for the Deceptor, and Marty pillow talk blabbed it to Lucy. Tracy is in cahoots with Martin's ex, and they plan to sue him for stealing their idea.
How did I get there?
1) Martin often mentions his ex-wives.
2) When Lucy tells people it was really Martin who came up with the idea for the Deceptor, he shuts her down, fast and hard.
3) Lucy has noticed that he's had several shady phone calls and is acting cagey. His phone popped up with "Ex-wife #3" as the caller ID last week, and he looked panicked.
4) Felicia P.I., Mac, and their adorable helper James (new James is the cutest. I can absolutely envision that kid being Nathan's son.) pieced together some paper shreds that showed monthly $50,000 bank deposits from a bank in Pine Valley.
Now the next question is a juicy one... Which former AMC character is going to be Martin's ex? Erica Kane? Skye Chandler (also a Q!)? Dixie? Greenlee? (Who bears a strange resemblance to Elizabeth's sister Hayden.) The possibilities are endless, and any of them would be fabulous to see. Now that the Prospect Park case is settled, bring on some OLTL people, too. Turn Austin back into Todd and bring Kiki back as Starr. A girl can dream.
To make room for some fun characters from old soaps, I will make room. Get rid of Gladys. She's the worst. Sasha has had nothing but heartache for years now, losing her baby, losing her husband, drug addiction, and a mental breakdown, not to mention losing her formerly healthy relationship with Michael. Now she is poised to lose all her money and company to Ms. Wu, thanks to idiot Gladys' gambling debts. Readers, I might rewatch the fallout five times the day Sonny finds out that Gladys has been screwing with Sasha's money.
To top it all off, Gladys has the creepy Dr. Montague drug Sasha? The girl who struggles with substance abuse? This is unforgivable. I don't care how fantastic Bonnie Burroughs is; I will never like Gladys again after this. Never, ever, ever. I wish Brando would come back and haunt her.
Speaking of haunting, Nina's impulsive call to turn in Carly and Drew to the SEC will come back to haunt her. Willow has invited Nina into her bubble, and the instant Willow discovers that Nina landed Drew in prison and is causing Carly to lose her home, that bubble will pop so hard! I am waiting for that day.
Every time Nina appears to be growing, feels guilty, or tries to atone for her sins, she suddenly does something else repulsive. When I saw her trying to steer Eddie Maine out of town, I thought, "What is it with Nina and men with brain injuries? Is memory loss a turn-on for her?" Observing Nina trying to steer Ned/Eddie out of town, knowing he has Leo -- an autistic son -- at home, who needs him, enraged me. She would do anything and hurt anyone just to cover her own bootie. I loathe her. I think Phyllis does, too. That's why she vanished from the free bar Sonny bought her.
Sonny asked Dante to be his best man. Dante said yes, but he knows in his heart if Jason was still alive, he would never have been asked. That's gotta sting. All kidding aside, I enjoy the relationship between Sonny and Dante. Maurice Benard and Dom Zaprogna have an easy vibe together that mirrors an actual father and son. I wonder if they hang out in real life? Dante feels a disturbance in the Force and recognizes that something is off with Sonny. The show ended Friday with gunfire. Was that shot from Dante's gun or someone else's? We don't know yet; we only heard the sound of the gunfire. Is a mob war about to begin? If so, will Selena Wu be on Sonny's side, or is her organization on the attack? So many questions.
Readers, I will admit that the Pikeman storyline doesn't make sense. Maybe I missed a key point along the way, so if I did, feel free to educate me. Why would Sonny accept a business deal from Valentin, whom he doesn't like or trust? Why would Sonny continue the deal once he learned they were transporting weapons? Sonny is a criminal, but he's always had a code and standards.
So, we are expected to believe that Sonny, who doesn't want to put illegal drugs out on the streets, is fine with bombs and other weapons of war? That doesn't ring true to his core values. Sure, he is okay with money laundering, and importing and exporting shady items in his coffee. Still, all these years, he's never wanted to be involved in enterprises that would hurt innocent citizens.
It also strikes me as odd that Valentin has Anna delivering messages to Sonny about their illegal deal. Is she all the way on Team Bad now? It seems like that's something he would want to keep her out of.
Another thing I do not understand is Carly's financial dilemma. She owes five million dollars in fines to the SEC. Jax is a billionaire and would write her a check tomorrow to let his baby Josslyn stay in her childhood home. Sonny, too, would find a way to funnel money to Carly to cover her debt. Michael, her son, also has money to burn and could easily cover Carly's debt. I know the SEC is watching, but tell me that all US politicians who get hit with fines aren't getting people to cover their losses. Maybe Carly should start a Go Fund Me page, tell her sob story about making bad decisions after losing her best friend and her husband, and see if the kind people of America would send her some dough.
I like that Carly has grown enough that she wants to take responsibility for her actions and handle her own problems, but to make herself and Donna -- and sometimes Avery -- live in a one-bedroom apartment with a sofa bed seems a bit much, considering she's swimming in billionaires.
I enjoyed her conversations with Sam this week. They used to loathe each other over envy and jealousy about Jason, but with him not in the picture, they can see the value in each other. My BFF and I recently talked about how enraged we used to get about things before menopause. Once you hit your late 40s and your hormones start to die down, you suddenly look at women you used to despise and think, "You know, she's not that bad. Why was I so jacked up over her?" The answer is -- Hormones.
Cyrus has supposedly gone through a change of life, too. A religious one. When Drew arrived at Pentonville, Cyrus stopped by, Bible in hand, under the guise of Christian brotherhood. He invited Drew into his inner circle for fellowship and enlightenment. When Drew realized that "Cy" was Cyrus Renault, he did not accept the invitation. Cyrus insisted Drew take the book he was offering, and inside the hollowed-out book was a shiv. Yikes. In Las Vegas, we went to a speakeasy, and inside our hollowed-out book was a flask of hooch. Much better.
Now, a very delicate topic. I think it needs to be addressed, and I will do so as gently as possible. First, like my fellow scooper Liz, I can't tell the new Molly and Kristina apart. They hired two new actors who look too much alike, which would be fine if we knew them, but we don't. Lexi Ainsworth has always been popular on GH and was always tragically underused. Not since the Dawn of Day storyline has Kristina had a fully fleshed-out storyline for Lexi to sink her teeth into. We were just getting there when GH pulled the plug on Lexi and hired a new actress.
Reports on this vary. Some sources say it was mutual. Some sources say Lexi was axed and forced to make nice. Some sources say she left of her own free will. I don't believe that. I saw her video interview that says Kristina's upcoming storyline was based on her own personal experience and that she's sad she won't get to play it. So, GH recasts the role, but they are still taking Lexi's personal experience and weaving it into the show? Yeah, I do not believe that was her choice. So, this one? GH did it on its own. I don't dislike the new actor in the role; she's fine. But she's not Lexi, and as I will say every time any soap does this, "People are not interchangeable."
Next up, the Molly recast. This could not be helped. Due to Haley Pullos' personal and legal troubles following her highly publicized accident, GH had no choice but to recast the role. But the weird thing is, the show rarely ever shows Molly and T.J., and the one time they have a storyline for them is when the actor who has played Molly since she was a kid is unavailable. It all makes me sad.
If I were in charge at GH, I would excuse the new Kristina actress, thank her for her brief service, and get Lexi back pronto. I need at least one Davis girl that I recognize. Too many changes too soon; it's disconcerting. If the other actress is on contract, let her be Carly's Realtor, Avery's new nanny after Pilar lost Avery, or a spy for ELQ. But here is my plea -- give me back Lexi. If she wants to be there, and if not, I need her to say so hooked up to a polygraph, because otherwise, I won't believe it. Did you see her State of Mind with Maurice Benard? Yeah, that lady loves GH like we do. The idea of Kristina being a surrogate for Molly and T.J. and having it be anyone other than Lexi makes me very sad.
Okay, another hot topic sure to stir up some controversy... Liz and Finn. Yay or nay? Violet says, "Yay," and wants her Aunt Elizabeth to become Mama Elizabeth. She set up her Daddy and Liz on a date. Jophielle Love is so adorable. If I were Liz, I'd marry Finn just to be her stepmom. I don't understand the writing here. As Bruce Willis once said in an old episode of Moonlighting, "Are we is, or is we ain't?" Are we supposed to be rooting for Finn and Liz, or are we not? Do they want to be together, or are they done with each other? The writers have changed their minds a few times, making me dizzy. I can't remember. Have those two ever even had sex in all these months? I only remember them hiding Peter August in a freezer. That's about the sexiest thing they have ever done together. I don't hate them together, but I don't get heart flutters when they are on-screen together. That's reserved for Valentin and Anna, and Sprina.
Readers, I can't decide if Cyrus is for real or not. I say this because he appeared to be praying when no one was watching. Has he genuinely changed? Is he a new man? Did he invite Drew into his circle and offer him a weapon for protection and survival? Or is he up to something evil? When I posed this question on Twitter, the consensus was that he was up to something evil. But I am keeping an open mind. I would love to see a truly changed Cyrus come back to town and become a real brother to Laura and Martin. But I doubt that wish will come true because he's too good of a villain.
I think Drew got sent to Pentonville because it's time for him to fly to some snowy locale and film his new Hallmark Christmas movie. After a few months in Pentonville, perhaps he will have a beard and look like a snowy mountain man, or maybe he'll wear a crown and think he's the prince of Noeldovia, the Christmas castle of an unknown European country.
Shout-out to Brooke Lynn, played by the hilarious Amanda Setton, who has had the best comedy lines of the week. Here are two: She walks into the Metro Court and sees Tracy. She whispers to the sky, "Why, God? Why? What did I ever do to deserve this? Actually, on second thought, God, don't answer that." Next, Chase sees Tracy sitting with his family at dinner and asks Brook Lynn, "Why do you think she stayed for dinner? Do you think she is lonely?" BLQ pauses and says sarcastically, "Well, she is....something." Both scenes made me laugh. Thanks, Amanda!
What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Austin kiss Ava again, or will any incarnation of Nikolas escape creepy Mason to punch him for kissing his wife? Will Violet take over Society Set-ups, since she is a better matchmaker than Spinelli? Will Spinelli and Georgie move in with Maxie, James, and Bailey Lu to share expenses and accidentally fall back in love? Will Mac refuse to give up the chair when Taggert comes to take over the PCPD, remembering how Taggert used to harass and antagonize "Anger Boy"? Will the Q's hire a new maid to keep the gatehouse germ free for Willow? And if so, can they send her to my house?
Will the WSB exhume Leopold Taub to find an empty tomb? Will Nina stalk GH, looking for more men with brain injuries that she can mess with? Will Diane cash Tracy's $40,000 check to buy shoes and dresses that make Robert eat his heart out? When Carly sells her house, will she take the moss to her new apartment? Will Jordan ignore all the side eyes Portia is giving her and date Zeke, anyway? (I would.) Will the gunfire at the Metro Court hit someone or just take out the chandeliers?
Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.
Tamilu
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